I have been feeling a little reluctant to write about this, but honestly, I don’t see how I can NOT write about it. This will be long; bear with me, please.
On the morning of May 5th, I learned that one of my brothers committed suicide on May 4th. In a way, I wasn’t surprised when I thought back on the last time I had spoken with him. He called me out of the blue about a month before this and asked me if I knew where his daughter was. I thought this was a strange question since I have not seen her since she was three years old! She and her mom left California in the early ’80’s when her mom and my brother divorced. Anyway, I asked him why he needed to find her. I asked him if he was sick. He said he wasn’t sick, but he couldn’t hardly walk anymore. He said he wanted her to be able to have all of his part of the financial investments that our parents left us “just in case something happens to me”. In the back of my mind I had a flash of what he may have been planning. However, I did not ask him if he was feeling suicidal. I wish I had. I was actually surprised that he even called me to tell you the truth.
My brother and I had a very rocky relationship for most of our lives. I never really understood why. I am the youngest. He was the middle sibling. We were four and a half years apart. He would have been 61 this July. He always seemed closer to our other brother. However, throughout our lives we all really went our separate ways. The closest I ever felt to either of them was when we went through the death of our mother in 2006. Our father died three years later. So our eldest brother had to handle all of the inheritance stuff. It was a very stressful time for all of us. Since then, we have all lived separately; my oldest brother left the area and my other brother and I never knew where he was until two years ago.
That was when my middle brother decided to call me and apologize for everything he had ever done to hurt me. He was crying and truly sorry. This was something I had been praying for since 1987 when God had turned my life around. I had tried many times to make amends with him, but he was just not ready. Needless to say, I was thankful for that call. I told him I had forgiven him many years ago and had been praying we might be able to have that conversation someday. I told him I had always wanted to know him and I loved him. I asked him if we could just start to have a relationship then, but he said he didn’t want to. He was addicted to drugs and couldn’t get clean. He was living in a trailer park where he had been for the last 20 years. He didn’t know how to change, and he didn’t ask anyone for help that I know of. I felt helpless, but I let him be. I called him a few times just to see how he was doing, but he just didn’t know how to connect with me.
I believe he suffered from mental illness his whole life; most likely anxiety and depression, just as I have since I was at least 15. Looking back on my childhood, I now believe my dad suffered from depression and this was why he drank. I also think my mom had anxiety issues not just because of his drinking, but because of her own chemical make-up. She was always worrying about everything and everyone.
I went through my drug and alcohol abuse days from about 1980 to 1987. That was the year I quit everything and got help through counseling and an ACA (adult children of alcoholics) meeting every week for a couple of years. However, both of my brothers kept using drugs and alcohol for the rest of their lives. My brother who died was hurt on a job many years ago and was getting pain medicine through the veterans hospital. He was in the Navy for four years when he was right out of high school. Apparently, though, his back became so bad, he could hardly walk anymore. I believe that he just chose to die to escape the pain that was consuming him.
I have been that low many, many times myself emotionally. However, I am thankful to have a loving husband and two children who love me and would never ever want me to make that choice just to escape any pain I may go through in my life. It doesn’t solve anything, and it leaves those whom the person left behind in shock, angry, and sad.
When I learned of my brother’s suicide, I was definitely shocked. Then I was angry for a few days. Then I had to begin dealing with the aftermath of what would happen to him and his stuff. At the time I didn’t have a clue as to where his daughter was. Then his best friend found my brother’s ex-wife’s phone number. She was contacted and then my niece was. Yesterday I spent most of the day on the phone with my 37-year-old niece whom I do not even know. It was strange, but good.
Hopefully, just getting in touch with her will be the blessing that comes out of his sad choice. My brother and his daughter were estranged from each other for most of their lives as well. I always felt sad about that, but hopefully she and I can build a relationship with one another now even though we live very far apart.
To this day I have no clue as to where my other brother lives. We became estranged after our parents were both gone eight years ago. He left the area and has never wanted to come back. However, our brother who died did have a best friend who knew where our oldest brother was. So the same month that my brother called and apologized to me, he also went and found our other brother to make amends with him as well. However, I have no way to find our eldest brother to try and do the same. He is living off the grid which is what he always wanted.
I know this has been a very long post; if you stayed with me, thank you. I wrote this to encourage anyone who is thinking about suicide or knows anyone who is, to tell you to please reach out for help. There is lots of help to be found! First, try to talk to someone you know. If that doesn’t help, call a local suicide hotline. Or call 1-800-273-8255. This is the number for Suicide Prevention Services of America. Their website is http://www.spsamerica.org if you want more information. I have never used their services, but I am sure there would be someone there to talk to.
Well, friends, I am definitely going to be reaching out for some help myself in dealing with this. I have talked with someone locally whom I am planning to meet this afternoon. Perhaps this is going to be the start of something good.
Have a wonderful day, and give someone you love a big hug! 🙂