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Loss and Change: A Recipe for Anxiety/Depression!!

Hello everyone. I just thought I would write a post today about how I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks. Actually, anxiety and depression are a part of my daily life unfortunately. I am not sure why change has always been so hard for me, but it is. I HATE CHANGE!

For the last month or so I have been reading a lot of novels, working out, and watching movies. That’s just how I like to spend my summers mostly. Oh, and I got hooked on Grey’s Anatomy. I actually started watching the later seasons first from 2004 or 2005 that are on t.v., but then I decided I wanted to start with Season 1, so I have been getting them through Netflix. What a crazy, good show! It reminds me of ER which I loved from Season 1 all the way through the end on t.v. I love a good series that shows character growth which both of these shows do in my opinion.

Anyway, getting back to reading novels. I joined the group on Facebook called “Coffee and a Good Book.” Wow, what a great group of people! I love all the people I’ve met on there and conversed with about different things. I have added several friends to my own Facebook page from that group, and we enjoy each other’s company. However, I think I have become too comfortable with having friends who are either ones I know and have had in my life who I only get to talk to online now, or are people I have only met online whom I’ve never met in person. When I am in town, though, I really don’t have friends to just hang out with. I never really have since we moved here in 2001. Let me explain.

About a month or so ago I tried to get back in touch with a woman who had told me last year that I was her “best friend.” I had always thought of her as my best girlfriend, too, for the last 14 years! (My husband is my best friend and always will be.) She and I met at church, the little church we were members at until October of 2014. I admit my husband and I were angry and upset about many things when we left that church, but most of it had to do with how the pastor ran it. A few of the other members knew this, but couldn’t understand why my husband (who had been an elder for many years) just could not deal with the stress any more. I even took the time to call all the ladies I was friends with there and tell them ahead of time that we were leaving. Some said they were sorry to hear that. They said they understood and wanted to keep in touch. My “best” friend said she wanted to stay in touch. I said of course we should! Honestly, I wanted these ladies to call and check on me after a while, but only one of them has. One sweet older woman who I really didn’t expect to hear from, because we had never really gotten together to do anything outside of church and she has been dealing with cancer for about two years now. Her call encouraged me so much, I felt a new endearment for her. I have done a painting for her, but have not gotten it framed yet and taken it to her. I also have not posted it yet, because I’m not sure I’m quite done with it.

Anyway, once summer rolled around, I thought I might hear from the woman who I thought was my best friend since her school year job was over for a few months and she might have more free time. I thought summer would be the best time for us to catch up. In July I finally got up the courage to call her. I was NOT prepared for what I heard at all. In all of that time she had assumed we just were not friends any more! Instead of calling me to see how I was doing or tell me how she was feeling about everything, there was just this assumption that lingered. I tried to assure her that it was not the case! I said I figured she was just giving me some space to process leaving the church. Then I suddenly heard about the few times she had invited me to things that I hadn’t wanted to go to. She knew I didn’t like the same kind of music she did, but she kept inviting me anyway and felt rejected because I didn’t want to go. Yet, in all those instances, I never heard once how she really felt about that. If I had known it bothered her so much, I would have talked with her about it. I probably still wouldn’t have gone, but I have never felt the need to apologize for liking different things than she does. I am sorry her feelings were hurt, but I’m not going to change my interests to please others. I spent too much of my life living like that, and I was miserable. Then I brought up the fact that she said she had always liked my art. Yet when my pieces were in a gallery a couple of years ago, she never took the time to go see them and didn’t come to the opening night. I felt hurt, too, but I let it go. She did buy some of my printed cards a couple of years after that, and so did a few others at church which I was thankful for. Several years before she and I had even taken an art class together at the college one semester which was fun at first but ended up being way more work than either of us had counted on, and we ended up dropping it. That was no big deal either. I was bummed that we didn’t finish it, but I got over it.

I guess my point in all of this is that when she told me we were not friends any more, I began to question if we ever really had been, you know? I feel like true friends can give each other time to process loss and change. However, change has always seemed to be linked to loss for me. And that is what is a drag about anxiety. I became depressed after this loss, because that is just how I deal with it at first. I cried, got angry, wrote about it, and moved on. But now I am going through another loss and another change. Does it ever end??? 😉

I just learned the other day that a dear high school friend whom I have been back in touch with for the last couple of years just passed away from liver cancer. I think I am still in shock. I just talked to her on Facebook about two weeks ago. She was only 53. She was loved dearly by all who knew her. She came from a big family who all welcomed me into their home back in my high school days, loved me unconditionally, and who were all a lot of fun. She and I lost touch after I graduated and started working, but always managed to keep getting back in touch on and off for all these years. I was so happy when we became friends on Facebook and could chat, but devastated when we she told me she had liver cancer and didn’t know how long she had left. I wanted to go see her, but my own anxiety about traveling, my own health reasons, and the timing of her last family reunion just didn’t work out. I really wanted to see her before she died, but it didn’t happen, and it is a regret I will have to live with. So now I am just missing her. She was one of the absolute sweetest people I have ever known in my life. She always had a smile, we always were attracted to the same guys in high school, and we laughed so much whenever we were together that I can still hear the sound of her laughter.
My heart breaks for her dear family, because they love her so much, I can’t imagine the weight of their loss.

Now for the new change. Yesterday, my husband and I had to take our high school daughter to her new charter school to sign up for her classes and get her books. However, we had thought she would only have to be taken into town for the on-site classes two days a week which was going to be like the schedule we’ve always had. She hasn’t been doing math the last couple of years, though, because the history and advanced english classes she was taking were a ton of work, and she felt like she couldn’t concentrate well on math. Plus, I had reached the place where I couldn’t teach it to her, because I didn’t remember the higher level stuff any more! So when we met with one of the math teachers yesterday, I was sitting there feeling ashamed wondering if I should have pushed her to keep up with math in the last two years. This teacher, however, reassured her that she could learn it, but she would have to work really hard. However, she assessed our daughter’s skills a bit and deteremined that she should be in a different session of the math which meant we had to sign her up for the Tuesday/Thursday class. I almost had a panic attack right there. Driving to town FOUR days a week now? I wanted to scream NO!!! But we have no choice. If she wants to graduate in two years, it has to be done. The bright side, though, is that our son should be getting his license soon and can take on helping me by taking her two days a week. However, when she got home, she told me she wanted to go back and finish Advanced English where she used to go since it could fit in her new schedule now. That would mean a longer day on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I still think she will learn a great deal more with Charlotte. Charlotte hated seeing her have to leave to go somewhere else so I am hoping she still has room for her. However, if this works out, and those days are longer, perhaps in time those will be the days my son takes her! 🙂

Well, by the time yesterday afternoon was over, I felt like I was having an anxiety attack on the way home from town. My husband took his truck and took her to do some shopping at a few places for some special things she needed. So I went to the gym to try and sweat out some anxiety, but it didn’t quite do it. Then when I got home, my son and I talked about the school stuff, and that helped calm me down a lot. After everyone was home, he said he wanted us all to watch a funny movie together about role-playing gamers. It is called “The Gamers: Darkness Rising.” It was hilarious!! And I found it funny, because I know all about what they were doing since we have been playing Dungeons and Dragons. So that was a great stress relief. Then I had a long talk with my husband and good night’s sleep. So today I feel more refreshed. I have been wanting to write about this for quite some time, but hadn’t decided if I should. Well, it’s my blog, and I can write what I want. So there! 😉

Anxiety and depression are no fun when I am in their clutches; they suck! But I thank God for the people in my life who love me unconditionally and help bring me up when I am down. Teresa, my dear friend who just died, was one of them. I will miss her light and laughter more than I can say.

I may start drawing some more today since I haven’t been doing it much lately. I want to get more art posted. Thanks for being patient. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through!

Have a wonderful day, and give someone you love a big hug. 🙂

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About whitefeatherfloating

When I began this blog I was simply going to share my writing. However, after being part of the blogging world for quite some time now, I decided to begin sharing my artwork. Patsy's Creative Corner will always have my artwork and some writing, but I also created a blog called "My Crazy Life!" in order to simply write my short autobiography and hopefully get some feedback on it as I go. However, it is a very slow project right now. You can find it here: https://spreadingmy2wings.wordpress.com Thanks for visiting! :)

Posted on August 14, 2015, in My Thoughts and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 23 Comments.

  1. I’ll keep you in my prayers, Patsy. xo

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  2. Wishing you the best, Patsy. I’ll keep you in my prayers. xo

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  3. Dear Patsy, I have only just had a chance to read your blog in full and I am so sorry for all you’ve been dealing with. Anxiety and depression colours my life in more ways than one and I do understand. I have lost friends over the years for one reason or another and it does hurt, but I am especially hurt for you the loss of your dear high school friend from cancer. That is really tough. I hope you are feeling a little better after writing this. I wish we lived closer, think how often we could meet for tea! It’s so wonderful you have your family around you and I know it will be a busy time with school schedules, but it’s great you can focus on those who matter the most to you. I am praying for you and I send you lots of love and hugs…bless you my friend ❤ xoxo

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    • Dear Sherri, thank you so much for taking the time to read my long post. I appreciate it! Sorry my reply will be short. I am typing with one hand! LOL! My arm is bothering me a lot. So I should not even be on the computer probably! Thank you for your prayers. You mean a lot to me also and I wish you and several of my other blogging friends lived close together. I think we would all have a great time!! Many hugs and lots of love coming your way also, my friend. Bless you, too, Sherri. 🙂

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      • I’m so sorry about your arm Patsy. I hope you will feel better soon. I’m a leftie and I can’t imagine trying to do things with my right hand (although I’ve trained myself to peel potatoes and iron as I had no choice growing up!). You mean a lot to me too Patsy,and yes, wouldn’t that be so great. You take care of yourself, and I’ll see you over on FB (I’ll be signing off blogging later today, for reasons you’ll see in my post) but I’ll keep in touch with you of course. I hope you have a better day today…with lots of love, hugs and blessings to you my friend 🙂 xoxo

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        • Thanks, Sherri. I appreciate you so much! 🙂 I have an appointment this Thursday to see the orthopedic surgeon I saw years ago, but I’m feeling afraid it is a different problem now. Lots of love, blessings and hugs to you, too, my friend! 🙂 xoxo

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  4. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friend to cancer, Patsy. As for the other “friend”…I learned years ago to keep my expects on God and not people. The Book of Psalms has carried me through many difficult and challenging times in my life. We’re stronger than we think…we just have to put our strength into action. Take care of yourself and enjoy every moment with your family. xo

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    • Thank you, Jill. My friend Teresa will be missed by many, many people. She was very special indeed. She was so much fun in high school and always so kind. I’ve been having a lot of issues in my relationship to God and people in the church for the last few months which is stuff I plan to work through when I start some counseling tomorrow. It has been years since I’ve gone to anyone, but I found a guy who is practically around the corner from the gym I go to so I’m going to see how that goes on Tuesday. Sometimes it’s easier to vent to a stranger, you know? Thanks for your encouragement, Jill and your friendship. xoxo

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  5. Im glad you shared this story, that’s one way of relieving the depression. The episode with your so called best friend reminds me so much of my aunt’s miserable experience with a lady she thought was her best friend; my aunt took it really hard especially she’s all alone and still not over her husband’s passing four years ago. But as they say, time heals and keeping preoccupied helps too. Hope to continue seeing your art soon I noticed you’ve been quiet lately. Keep your head up and smile! 🙂

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    • Thanks so much, Lisa. I appreciate your kind words. I have not been doing much art lately as my arm I have trouble with occasionally was acting up. Plus I just needed a break from everything for the summer. My daughter started her classes today so I’ll be in town 4 days a week for a few hours, going to the gym, running errands and hopefully getting back to some art as well. Hopefully, I’ll have something new to post soon! 🙂

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  6. Hi Patsy – Not sure if this would help you, but going gluten free did wonders for me in this area. And helped lots of other things besides. I hope things get better for you! Here are some symptoms – this link mentions Celiac, but I am NOT Celiac. I am just sensitive to gluten and had many of these symptoms. I thought maybe I shouldn’t post this, but then I thought, what if it could help, and I didn’t? So I’m posting. Take care. http://www.recognizingceliacdisease.com/21.html

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    • Thanks, Laura. I may look into this although my depressions usually are connected to upsetting events or even just boredom! I have been staying home raising my kids and homeschooling them for the last 18 years, we live way out of town and are somewhat isolated, and I think I have a pretty good diet, but I appreciate your offering the information. Thanks for thinking of me! 🙂

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      • Understood, Patsy. For me, I was anxious for no reason. And more anxious than normal if something was going on to be anxious about. Brain fog, mood swings, insomnia, the list went on and on. I put it all down to change of life, but it was more involved than that. Art is incredible medicine, isn’t it? Take it easy.

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        • Art is good medicine for sure. So is reading novels for me! I can’t believe how many I have read this summer. 🙂 I am fortunate to not have insomnia any more. I did years ago when I began going through perimenopause. I have been in menopause for a few years now and I think the depression is due to that also a little bit.Thanks for your thoughts and concern, Laura. I do appreciate it. 🙂

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  7. I hope writing helped

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