RECOVERY AGAIN? SERIOUSLY?
Sorry I couldn’t think of a better title! I am done with the art book questions that I was posting from. The rest of the questions and things to do in there have to do with coming up with a business plan for my art which I currently don’t have the mental energy for right now!
But a new book I began three weeks ago is called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron.
I didn’t look at it too closely when I picked it up at the library. Also, if I want to finish it, I’ll probably have to end up buying it since it is a 12 week course in recovering your “artist self.” But I honestly had no idea it had to do with “issues” that many recovery programs have to deal with. UGH! I’ve been through all of that already. But unbeknownst to me, I think I needed a refresher course and didn’t realize it. For instance, there are some things she says to do that I have been doing which are helpful. But this week she says not to read for a whole week! Sorry! Not gonna happen! I guess it is so a person can get more in touch with their senses?? So I’m just doing the other stuff in the chapter. I read a lot, and I could never just NOT read! So instead of criticizing her methods of recovery, I am picking and choosing what I want to do. The daily journaling which she calls “Morning Pages” is helpful. I had stopped journaling for awhile, so it is nice to be back at it. It helps me keep things in perspective. The other thing she says to do is go on an “Artist Date” once a week. That’s working out well, because my kids are doing a gaming day with their friends in town once a week, so that is the day I do my artist date, too. Also, it is on Tuesdays which is the same day I was already having a day out for myself during the school year. 🙂
So here’s a little more of my background that you may or may not know. I honestly hate talking about this stuff, but it’s where I’m at right now, and if it helps someone, GREAT! I went to a 12-step group for years when I first quit drinking and doing drugs in 1987. Well, actually, I didn’t go right away. I started about a year and a half later when I realized I wanted to go to counseling. My counselor at the time encouraged me to go to one since at that time I was still married to a very active alcoholic, and we were still hanging around with the same friends.
I began going to church that year, because God called me to Himself to save my soul. But of course that decision also created conflict with my first husband. I kept going anyway; I enjoyed it. Then I found a 12-step group that was for Adult Children of Alcoholics since most of my problems stemmed from being raised by an alcoholic dad and a co-dependent mom. Wow, did that set me on the very painful road to healing! I stayed in that group for a year or so, but being in church at the same time and growing spiritually, I felt I was receiving more healing there than in the ACA group, so I left the group. I tired of hearing people talk about the same things and people in their lives but not seem to be trying to make changes in themselves or their lives. It felt like listening to all the unfruitful complaining in my home of origin. I began to feel suffocated. Leaving the group was one of the best decisions I made at that time. I also stopped counseling for awhile, because at the time my counselor was a woman, and I never felt I could fully trust her. I always thought that was strange since most of my issues had to do with men! But I soon discovered why, and I won’t go into it. Another day, another post perhaps!
In about 1989 or so a full-time counselor came onto the staff of the church I was attending. By that time I knew I needed help working through some tough stuff that was coming up for me emotionally. I stayed in counseling with Bert on a regular basis until about 1993. Then I met my husband I’m married to now, and I began going back every week for a couple of years. I was terrified of a new relationship. I wasn’t sure I ever really wanted to marry again. But when we began dating, and we became serious, I asked him if he would go to counseling with me. He did and with no hesitation which amazed me. Bert loved him, and he thought we were developing a healthy relationship. My husband worked through a lot of my crap with me.
He is still working through my crap with me. After almost 20 years of marriage, having two teens in the house now, and seeing changes peeking around the corner when the kids begin college, and his retirement is looming on the horizon, I am suddenly feeling terrified again! We also have other changes that are coming in about a year that I’m not sure I’m going to like, but I think our lifestyle may change quite a bit. Hopefully, it won’t be as stressful as I am anticipating, though. I hope it will be for the better.
I guess that’s what this is all about. I really hate certain changes, especially ones I have no control over! Trying to get my art out there for others to hopefully buy is a desire that is getting pushed to the back burner for me now. Fear of rejection? Yeah, I admit I have that. It’s how I felt during the art show when people just glanced at my work and kept going, not even commenting on anything! I honestly wasn’t expecting a lot that day, but I was hopeful that it would be a better experience than it was. However, there were much more experienced artists there who are well-known and selling their work. I am just not sure I want to even try to do things that way now. A guy I met said he’s gotten work just from having some of his pieces hanging in certain places, not necessarily galleries. But he has his contact information along with it, and people call him to inquire about commissions. I think that is what I may try. So that means I have to pick what I think is my best work and take them with me to some places. A guy at church gave me a business card of a bed and breakfast place nearby that is run by a nice lady. He said she might be interested in hanging some work there, but he wasn’t sure. I never called her this week, though, because I got preoccupied with this recovery crap!
Okay, it isn’t crap, but it feels like crap! 😉 I just haven’t thought about some of the habits I’ve fallen into as not being so great for me. Well, that’s not exactly true; I’ve thought about it, but haven’t done anything about changing them! So facing these issues has stirred up feelings I have not wanted to feel and issues I have not wanted to deal with, but it’s time. I feel stagnate in my growth these days, and that is not a good place for me to be.
I may or may not share some of my journey with you, but all I know is I have to get back to drawing and painting again, because it helps me channel all this negative energy into something positive. Hopefully, I’ll have something new to show you soon! Obviously, I needed to write on my blog sooner than I thought I would need to. Also, I have started my first sea turtle story, but am not sure where that is going or how long I want it to be. Just pray I finish it! I want to illustrate it, too, but I’m not great at drawing people on a real small scale, so I’m not sure how that will go! But since it is Saturday now, I think I need to get to work!
Give someone you love a big hug, and have a wonderful day! 🙂
Posted on June 7, 2014, in Art Talk, Watercolor Paintings, Writing and tagged depression, drawing, family, painting, reading, suicide, work. Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.
Oh yes Patsy! Draw, paint, enjoy! I think that art is an invaluable channel for most of us who make it. A necessary channel. I look forward to much much more of your work posted here.
btw, my favorite art book is Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. All of Betty Edwards books accentuate the underlying skills that help us to see and work better than ever.
Thank you, Elena! 🙂 I agree wholeheartedly. I think I am in a temporary slump, but also am feeling a little divided with my other interest of writing! Trying to coordinate the two is hard for me sometimes, you know what I mean? I know you have done both, too.
I have that book; in fact, I think by the time I bought it, the edition was updated and it is called The New Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain or something like that. I have done lots of those exercises and really enjoyed it. Thanks for reminding me about it!
Thank you, Mary. You’re right about that! I feel like a loner so much of the time while I’m working that I really did feel out of place even though there was never much of a “crowd” there! Thank you for your encouragement, Mary. I appreciate it very much. 🙂
You have wonderful talent – hope you just write off the experience and you’re onto the next. Most of us work in silo and then to share in an engaging way is so out of character – it gets easier as time goes by, this thing they call “marketing.” Take care and have a wonderful week.
I’m sorry to hear the art show was somewhat of a disappointment for you, Patsy. Keep writing and drawing, God has blessed you with tremendous talent…plus it’s good for you.
Thanks, Jill. I really tried not to set my expectations too high, and I’m not sure I did, but feeling so passed over by people who did come just felt crummy even when I tried to engage them in conversation. I felt awkward and I think it showed! I normally don’t feel that shy, but it was just weird!
And yes I will keep writing and drawing always. You’re right; it is good for me!
Oh Patsy, I do feel so much of all you share here, from your heart. I just want to come over and give you a huge hug right now, and having just read your comment on my blog and replied, I can see why. BTW, I’ve now signed up to follow you again (I did before but for some reason it hadn’t ‘clicked’ so now I should be getting your posts…at long last, hooray!!!)
I’m so sorry that you felt so let down by your art show. I’ve been feeling that way about my writing lately. I had a huge let down last week which I touched on in Friday’s post and a few other things lately which started to make me question my writing/blogging, everything. I’ve felt like quitting many times but I know that I have a tendency to self-sabotage and I’m riddled with self-doubt and fear of rejection. I do think that living with alcoholic dads does a huge number on us as grown women.
I understand completely your fear of change. I went through that when my kids approached their college years and panicked. I was married to my kids’ father for almost 22 years and the thought of our kids leaving home threw me into absolute turmoil. Things had been awful between he and I for years, we were like strangers living under the same roof.
Like you, I remarried a wonderful, supportive man who knew from day one that I carried a lot of ‘baggage’ and has been helping me through so much ‘stuff’.
Your story is truly inspirational,all you share here, how you turned your life around from drink and drugs. I hoped my dad could do it but he never did (although prison saved him in his case) and that you had those precious, wonderful years with your dad when he sobered up.
Your life was turned around and your testimony of how the Lord saved you and the help you’ve had through your church counsellors is so encouraging to so many. Don’t let the enemy rob you of all you’ve achieved so far. Keep going and don’t give up. A great idea to get your art ‘out there’ in other venues. You just never know…and your turtle story book will be a delight 🙂
I hope that this week sees you feeling better and refreshed…keep on keeping on and while you do that I send you hugs and blessings galore…and will keep you and your family in my prayers…
God bless you dear friend… Sherri ❤ 🙂
I wish I knew how to do the hearts signs!!! 🙂 Bunches of hearts to you, dear friend, Sherri! Thank you so much for all of your prayers and your support. But most of all thank you for your encouragement. Unfortunately, I am not in that wonderful church any more. When we moved we didn’t have much choice in the church we attend since the one we are at now is the closest, only 20 minutes away, versus 45 in any other direction. So….that has been a struggle for me for the last 13 years. I still miss the friends I used to have, the wonderful women’s bible study we had, etc. Everything has always been so different here, I still just am not used to it. 🙂
I am hoping for a better week as well. Thank you for your prayers! God bless you, too, Sherri!
I know just what you mean Patsy about having to give up a good church and the friends you had there. I’ve been in that position and even now I have never been able to replicate it and I miss it. Still, I’m so glad for the Christians I’ve met through blogging, I never expected to find such a wonderful community.
God bless you dear friend…and more hearts back to you… 3 >3
(Hearts are done with the left pointing arrow on the keyboard with the number 3 right next to it… have fun 😀 )
❤ ❤ We'll see if this works! 🙂 I have been encouraged by you and Jill a lot in the months since I've known you. It means a lot to me!
It works, yay!!! Bless you dear Patsy ❤ ❤ ❤
Yeah, it did! 🙂 Thanks! ❤